Dallas HSAA vs. Tulsa NOAH:
The Real Red River Shootout
I don’t know if you realize this or not, but the real Red River Shootout is fast approaching. On November 10, those dirt farmers from Oklahoma will come rolling in on their flat-bed trucks to descend upon the Dallas Metroplex for what may be billed as the biggest homeschool football game in Texas history. Of course, it is probably the only homeschool football game in Texas history, but that’s not the point. I was told that the game is being held in Carrollton because Tulsa NOAH’s home field is being plowed up for next spring’s bumper crop.
Even though we have all known about this special HSAA homecoming game for several weeks now, I found out about the “true” significance of this game when I happened upon the Tulsa NOAH website and saw that they are “hyping up” this game to their players and fans as the Red River Shootout. In other words, this game has “national homeschool football championship” implications.
And here’s the juiciest part. According to an unnamed source, the Tulsa Jaguars are predicting a 4-touchdown win. Did you hear that, proud Blue Angels players and parents?!!
Well, not really. I just made that up. Coach Michael Scott needs some bulletin board material to rally his troops. Which brings me to a critical question: Where exactly is the HSAA Blue Angels bulletin board? Is it hanging on the picnic table at Point North Park?
To intensify this new-found rivalry, I called the head coach of the Tulsa NOAH Jaguars football squad, Joe Blankenship, to see if I could extricate some bulletin board “fodder” for the home team. Coach Blankenship, who is the pastor of the Springs of Grace Bible Church in Tulsa, Oklahoma, also happens to be my former pastor and a good friend of mine. I knew he would have some “meaty” opinions on the upcoming game:
Reporter: Hello, Joe?
Coach Blankenship: Who’s this?
Reporter: It’s Tim Day, your old buddy.
Coach Blankenship: I don’t want to talk to you. You never returned my weed-eater.
Reporter: Can’t we let bygones be bygones? I just want to ask you a few questions about the Red River Shootout.
Coach Blankenship: Fine. But don’t expect me to give you any bulletin board material.
Reporter: What’s your record so far this year?
Coach Blankenship: We’re 5-4. Next question please.
Reporter: I guess you know you’re our homecoming game.
Coach Blankenship: Another one? That makes 6 for the year. This is getting expensive with all the mums I have to buy for my wife.
Reporter: In your opinion, what exactly is at stake for this game?
Coach Blankenship: Well, the way I figure it. The Dallas team is the best homeschool football team in Texas, and we’re the best homeschool football team in Oklahoma. Since we’re the best two football states in the nation, that makes this game the mythical National Championship.
Reporter: Your son, Malachi, is the starting quarterback for the Jaguars. What is your approach with your son entering into such an important game.
Coach Blankenship: Just like any game. If we win, he gets to eat.
Reporter: Exactly how many flat-bed trucks are you packing up for the trip to Dallas?
Coach Blankenship: Actually, we’re trying to save money by using Pa’s hay truck. We’ll pull another trailer behind the hay truck for the equipment and the cheerleaders.
Reporter: Where are your families pitching tents the night before the big game?
Coach Blankenship: Somewhere near a river, I reckon. But we’ll take a church parking lot as a last resort.
Reporter: Is it difficult getting all your farm boys to spring drills every year?
Coach Blankenship: Between hay-hauling season, the daily chores, and all the weddings, it’s pretty tough.
Reporter: Speaking of weddings, how many 20-year-olds do you have on your team?
Coach Blankenship: We have a handful, but we’re mighty proud of our three 24-year-olds that just returned from Afghanistan.
Reporter: If you don’t mind my asking, what’s your prediction for this game?
Coach Blankenship: (inaudible response…something about hanging a hundred points on those city slickers) Next question please.
Reporter: How many times do you think you’ll sack our quarterback, Jordan Martin?
Coach Blankenship: Probably none. We play a 1-10 defense, with only one lineman rushing the quarterback. It’s a “bend but don’t break” defense, but it’s been pretty effective…at least for 5 of our games.
Reporter: I understand you’re planning on using a “no-huddle” offense against us. Is that because you’re trying to prevent us from substituting into our nickel package?
Coach Blankenship: Nah, not really. 7 of our players on offense do the same thing each play anyway, so there’s really no reason to huddle up.
Reporter: What are some of your practice strategies for preparing for the mighty Dallas Blue Angels?
Coach Blankenship: Well, we heard that you use players holding their arms up to simulate goal posts. We thought that was a great idea, so we took down Aunt Myrtle’s clothesline, and replaced it with some players of our own. Will Josey's ranch have real goal posts?
I just didn’t have the heart to tell Coach Blankenship that Josey Ranch Sports Complex is a modern football stadium in the heart of suburbia with real goal posts. Before I hung up the phone, he asked me when this column would go to print. I told him he could view it on our website in a couple of days. I can just visualize this article hanging up on the Jaguars bulletin board…er, Aunt Myrtle’s clothesline.
Red River Shootout
Dallas HSAA Blue Angels
Tulsa NOAH Jaguars
Saturday, Nov. 10
Josey Ranch Sports Complex
Dallas HSAA is a homeschool sports organization that serves the Dallas / North Texas areas.